Au Revoir Papa

Under the big willow tree
In the middle of the jungle
Joudy sat writing in her journal
Facing the lake
Admiring the green
She wrote

Hello baba
I always hated you
But now i miss you
Its been 21 years and just a week ago my mother told me that you would die
Really, the first thing i thought about was that i cant travel this summer
And i regret not knowing you
They say you are a big shot but not in my eyes
You were mean and you hit my mother
You were never there for me

Now the real question is why do i want you back?
Why do i miss you?
Why dont i HATE you anymore?

I wish you could forgive me
I want to be able to go to heaven
Thats allI wish i could say i love you
Unfortunately i dont
And i dont want you

Now that everything is out of my system
Ill continue on living
See you in the after world :)

Joudy formed a smile on her face
She is now calm and happy
Closed her journal
Got up
Went for a walk
A long long walk
Deep down she missed him
But she didnt want to admit it
She kept her feelings aside
And continued walking
Heading to her cottage
Where her mother was grieving
She smiled along the way but her eyes were filled with tears

Joudy was confused
But she didnt show it

She wiped her tears away
And entered the cottage

Love and Hate

I hate that thing about you
I hate the impact you have on me
I hate it
But I don't know why I can't hate you



You know
I don't even know if I love you
Do I love you?
But I hate that thing
Something that could decide my love or hate towards you


When it comes to you I simply get mixed feelings
Love
Hate
Passion
Craze
Friendship
Loyalty

The problem here is that the first feeling I get when it comes to you is love
Because I LOVE YOU
Then again I remember all these things and I hate you


See I don't hate you, unfortunately I do love you

Why?
Can you give me a reason please.

Is it the way you talk
Or the way you act
Or what exactly?


So I am here writing you this letter
Asking myself something
I need to understand myself when it comes to you
So I can decide on whether I want to hate you or not


You are a good memory that's true

But what you left is killing me

You are a dishonest man

Yes I have lied
But I admit that I lied

You
You on the other hand
won't
can't admit
that you are


A
L
I
E
R

A conniving basterd
A cheat
A womanizer

And you call yourself a man
No no no, you call yourself an educated; open minded man
Honey you are everything but that


Hell I heard you are trustworthy
Well kiss my sweet a**

You have promised me
You promised me a simple thing


And you broke it
Just like that


And that's what ended my feelings towards you
Every single feeling
Except one which is hate

Yes, thank god

Now I could look at myself in the mirror and say that I hate X al X with a happy smile

Smile of releif
Honesty
And love

Yes, as you are reading this letter
I wish you the worst of luck
Just like what you did to me
I wish someone who has the guts to break your promise
And leak a piece of information about you
Information that could destroy you
Your career
Your love

I have kept so much and heard much more

They say "irayal shayil 3aiba"
Baby I want you to face God on judgement day and say those specified three words
I want to hear what god is going to say
Or do

I don't want to see it

Because a good hearted person like me wouldn't want too
Now that I am clear with my feelings towards you









I wish myself a happy stress free life



ps. this is not about my hubby, its a random post
love you;***

Remember....

Remember the days we used to talk till dawn
Remember the times we used to hug
Remember the moments we used to kiss



I remember them
I don't want to


I want them back
I want you
I'm sorry

What can I do?

Seeing You.....

Today was just for you.
You see I miss you so I came to see you.
You know why; because I love you.
Everyday I would revise those messages, the messages that were written for me; only me.
I read them every now and then and every time I read them its like the first time

Its like I just received those messages and I need to reply

I would blush at your such sweet words

Kind ones

Aaa55


But I thank God for my strong will


My strong will to control my desires


I wish it was like before

You know it seemed as if it was yesterday

It seemed as if it was yesterday as if I had heard your voice

But when we were together every minute we were apart seemed like ages

And now..


I won't leave you, actually.......


I left you and my heart is still with you



I have a sad life don't I


My life without you is sad


But I deserve it


I'm the one who brought it to myself

I made you love me then I broke your heart




Sad right?



But then again whenever I hear your name the only thing I want is the best for you



Happiness


Fun




Today I saw you


I saw the happy you


The smile I saw when I first met you


It was my smile


But now it belongs to her


You were hugging her
You were kissing her
You were teasing her
You guys were goofing around
You were having fun



The most important thing was that you were joyful, ecstatic





And that my love

That made my day

Seeing you like that meant the world to me


You may think I'm jealous


Yes I may be


But I am happy for you


My heart was smiling

Weird right?
That's how you make me feel





A weird person

Even though you are with her I feel special


Because I was once with you






I love you 7abebe


And that's how you make me feel

when you didn't even notice my existence






But that's okay





Because you were happy when I saw you today

i love you

Him and I

I woke up at 6am...
Just like everyday I would wash up and pray then a thirty minute work-out would follow up.
It was 8am it was time to leave the house and visit her, my grandma; I would visit her everyday to check on her..
I took the keys of my car and went in; turned on the engine and waited till my car was heated I drove through the clean calm streets
It was empty only a few trucks here and there I decided I was in the mood for coffee I needed it; anything that could take my mind of him..
It was all because of him, he made this all happen
He was my happiness and my misery
He was my everything
I would wake up every morning hoping to bump into him
Just to meet his gaze
See his smile
Smell his scent
Only a second with him would mean the world to me
If only
I thought if only
If only he would feel the same way
Miss me like I miss him
Need me like I need him
Eager to wake up every morning just to see me

I went into the coffee shop looked at the choices and I went with the usual
Something he loves; something he got me addicted to
I HATE HIM was the only thing that was on my mind
I hate him for making me love him
I hate him for making me miss him
I hate him for making me think of him
I hate him
I just hate him


And like that the idea of hating him has faded away
I couldn't leave this bubble I tried escaping but I would always have the same outcome


Failure
Yes, failure


I got my double espresso and left
I drove to the hospital quietly


I arrived, I walked through the white corridors
Only white uniforms were at sight


Where is he?

Why isn't he here?


But then again why would he?

I went to granny's floor then the ward and entered her room
I sat there for five minutes

I want him

i unlocked my phone

the password was his name

i typed three words

three words that i feel every single morning

i miss you

i wanted to send it soo bad

but i don't want to show him that I'm pathetic

he probably has another woman by now
I want water
That's something I could do, finally!
Down I went the ten flights of stairs
I felt free, right then and there

and that's when i saw him

my heart fluttered

our eyes met

he had a soft smile

is it him?

is it really him?

i starred at him wondering was it my him or just another random him?

i forgot what he looked like

i just have a vague image

and then and there

i realised that i was holding onto nothing

i don't remember him

i don't need him

because if i really did, then i would be dead by now

its been months

five months to be exact

and i could live five more in this same situation

or i could simply let go

i will let him go

because the only person i need now is me

i want me

i miss me

and that's because i love me